My Tears Woke Me Up

I dreamt of my cousin Ryan today. I've been wanting to dream of him to say my goodbyes.

My uncle Pitong, mom, dad, and I were in my parents' room. We were talking about Ryan and everything was still so fresh. I asked my uncle questions about his son Ryan. My mom and dad left the room and it was only me and my uncle. I remembered how dad said he was trying to reach Rupert (Ryan's older brother) to tell him the news that his little brother's gone now, and to check on him as well. My dad was taken aback that after a few rings the call went to voice mail and it was Ryan's voice he heard. Rupert probably gave his old number to Ryan. And so desperately wanting to hear Ryan's voice once more, I asked my uncle if I could call his number and if recording was still on there. My uncle dialed the number and gave me his phone. I listened, but the noisy background was covering up his voice, but his voice was there and that was good enough for me. I asked my uncle if he'd keep his recording on there forever, my uncle broke down and cried. I felt sorry for asking all those questions. 

Later was a road trip with cousins. We were in a car, maybe a Tamaraw FX or Pajero? And Rupert, I think, was driving. I was sitting at the back seat with Sachie Candy and other cousins. I was eating and ranting on about Ryan when suddenly, Sachie pointed to the front seat saying Ryan was there. I looked over, and there he was, that pretty face I missed, my lovely cousin Ryan. I was shocked and I was asking how this could be. Didn't he just take his own life? Weren't we just grieving over his death? Didn't I just see his father break down when we talked about his son who passed away?

They were explaining but none of the things they said could get through me. My own thoughts were too loud and were occupying me. All I could grasp were the last few words "basta wala nadayun..." (but he wasn't able to push through... ) I was very thankful and delighted but I stopped myself from feeling all that when I saw the expression on my other cousins' faces. "Dayunun gihapun diay niya?" (He's still going to go through with it?) And my cousin Sachie Candy said yes, and Ryan, with a very straight and certain face also said yes. Ryan, as I know him, is the type of guy who'll do what he wants and once he makes a decision, it's most of the time for certain. Plus, not to mention his pride.


I looked around, still with the bowl of food in my hands, I suddenly cried. I broke down, cried, and begged inside the cramped car. I cried so wildly, desperately, begging him with all of me not to go through with it. My cousins looked at me with their puzzled faces and I cried out, "Magmahay nia ku if dili naku siya hangyuon, kahibaw ku magmahai jud ku. Ryan please ayaw nalang, please. PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!" (I might regret it if I don't beg him not to do it, I know I'll regret it. Ryan please don't do it. PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!). And Ryan's very certain look turned to certain, and I could slowly see certainty fading away from his face. Certainty didn't fully fade away, it did a bit but it was still there. I was half awake by now because my heart and chest were aching and my head was also aching and the tears in my eyes were just about to pour. I fought back waking up to go back to the dream to see Ryan again and beg even more, beg harder. I was returning from dream to reality to dream to reality to dream and finally, reality. My tears poured in heavy, and I was awake now. 

As I was typing this entry, my face was wet with tears until the tears dried off. Now that I'm closing this entry, I'm about to cry again. It felt so real, my begging him to stay was real, and now the aching and longing for my cousin Ryan to come back is prevailing again. My throat hurts because I'm holding in a loud cry. 

Ryan, wherever you are, I hope you read our letters for you. I hope you see how real these tears are and how sincere are love for you is. I love you forever and until after forever. I miss you very much. I love you, I love you. See you soon, okay?

* thank you boyfriend for these edits. We made these tarpaulins.