My Tears Woke Me Up

I dreamt of my cousin Ryan today. I've been wanting to dream of him to say my goodbyes.

My uncle Pitong, mom, dad, and I were in my parents' room. We were talking about Ryan and everything was still so fresh. I asked my uncle questions about his son Ryan. My mom and dad left the room and it was only me and my uncle. I remembered how dad said he was trying to reach Rupert (Ryan's older brother) to tell him the news that his little brother's gone now, and to check on him as well. My dad was taken aback that after a few rings the call went to voice mail and it was Ryan's voice he heard. Rupert probably gave his old number to Ryan. And so desperately wanting to hear Ryan's voice once more, I asked my uncle if I could call his number and if recording was still on there. My uncle dialed the number and gave me his phone. I listened, but the noisy background was covering up his voice, but his voice was there and that was good enough for me. I asked my uncle if he'd keep his recording on there forever, my uncle broke down and cried. I felt sorry for asking all those questions. 

Later was a road trip with cousins. We were in a car, maybe a Tamaraw FX or Pajero? And Rupert, I think, was driving. I was sitting at the back seat with Sachie Candy and other cousins. I was eating and ranting on about Ryan when suddenly, Sachie pointed to the front seat saying Ryan was there. I looked over, and there he was, that pretty face I missed, my lovely cousin Ryan. I was shocked and I was asking how this could be. Didn't he just take his own life? Weren't we just grieving over his death? Didn't I just see his father break down when we talked about his son who passed away?

They were explaining but none of the things they said could get through me. My own thoughts were too loud and were occupying me. All I could grasp were the last few words "basta wala nadayun..." (but he wasn't able to push through... ) I was very thankful and delighted but I stopped myself from feeling all that when I saw the expression on my other cousins' faces. "Dayunun gihapun diay niya?" (He's still going to go through with it?) And my cousin Sachie Candy said yes, and Ryan, with a very straight and certain face also said yes. Ryan, as I know him, is the type of guy who'll do what he wants and once he makes a decision, it's most of the time for certain. Plus, not to mention his pride.


I looked around, still with the bowl of food in my hands, I suddenly cried. I broke down, cried, and begged inside the cramped car. I cried so wildly, desperately, begging him with all of me not to go through with it. My cousins looked at me with their puzzled faces and I cried out, "Magmahay nia ku if dili naku siya hangyuon, kahibaw ku magmahai jud ku. Ryan please ayaw nalang, please. PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!" (I might regret it if I don't beg him not to do it, I know I'll regret it. Ryan please don't do it. PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!). And Ryan's very certain look turned to certain, and I could slowly see certainty fading away from his face. Certainty didn't fully fade away, it did a bit but it was still there. I was half awake by now because my heart and chest were aching and my head was also aching and the tears in my eyes were just about to pour. I fought back waking up to go back to the dream to see Ryan again and beg even more, beg harder. I was returning from dream to reality to dream to reality to dream and finally, reality. My tears poured in heavy, and I was awake now. 

As I was typing this entry, my face was wet with tears until the tears dried off. Now that I'm closing this entry, I'm about to cry again. It felt so real, my begging him to stay was real, and now the aching and longing for my cousin Ryan to come back is prevailing again. My throat hurts because I'm holding in a loud cry. 

Ryan, wherever you are, I hope you read our letters for you. I hope you see how real these tears are and how sincere are love for you is. I love you forever and until after forever. I miss you very much. I love you, I love you. See you soon, okay?

* thank you boyfriend for these edits. We made these tarpaulins. 

A Letter to Boyfriend...

This reached 164 notes. :) Three years, I still feel the same. :D


In love,
-pringles08

My First Day Officially Off School!

Hello dearest Blogspot! Although I have been away blogging elsewhere, I still love you. You are still my Original Haven. I have been off blogging at Tumblr since it is very accessible, easy to use, and it fits my "busy" days. I can just drop in tidbits of rants and stuff. So there.

It's summer now, for a few days at least. I think in two weeks, enrollment for summer classes will begin. I've thought a lot about how my summer will be. 

• Summer classes (obligatory)
• Attend and sit-in in classes
• Exercise
• Get in touch with art once more
• Apply for a summer job (If my summer class schedule permits it)
• Go to the beach (obligatory with pleasure)
• Save up! Save, save, save!
• Have more freelance work done
• Hong Kong!

These are just plans, and it could change. Don't condemn me if I don't get to do them all, okay? 

Today I slept late, around 3am, but that's not new though. I got up for lunch and watched television in my sister's room until I fell asleep. I woke up around 3pm and had bread and coffee. What do you think? Productive start? Haha. Seriously, I want to exercise soon. Recently I've been weighing myself and the last time I checked I'm at 103lbs. I don't remember going over 100! Maybe there were times in  high school, but I don't remember it at all. 

My new school has got me busy. I've been adjusting and whatnot. Although there were a few subjects I didn't have to attend because I've already taken them up, and although most of my classes (after midterms) were half day, I still felt pretty beaten up at the end of the day. Must be too much rest, yes? But I still suck at time management, always been a problem I haven't really fixed. Also, driving really tires me so much now especially when it's traffic! Otherwise, it's pretty okay. I've also loved driving alone, I enjoy the solitude, if you can call it that. 

Three years! Elwin and I celebrated our third anniversary two days ago. I thought we'd skip the whole celebration thing since he had classes up until 8:30pm. I was home and dressed in my house clothes already when he called after his classes, he said he was on his way and that we had to celebrate somehow. We ate at AA's. It wasn't fancy, but I still enjoyed it. We walked from my house to AA's and walked back after we had our dinner date. He also gave me a chocolate! :D Thank you Lord for the three years. 

My batch mates will be graduating soon, but I have fixed my feelings on that. This is the situation I'm in right now and I've learned to accept it. I'm in fact happy, I've learned more than I could have in my old school and I get to go to the same school as Elwin! I do miss my friends from the old school, but I'll still get to see them. ;)

The whole flying off to America thing, it's a blur. I may or may not be flying off this year. I did tell my mom and dad if we could wait until I graduate. I REALLY WANT TO GRADUATE BEFORE I LEAVE. They said we'll see. 

My sister will be in college soon, she's graduating on the 26th of March. Would have been lovely if we graduated together, but then again, that's not going to happen and I'm glad my parents understand. :)  

This blog entry was just jumping from topic to topic. I was never really good with organizing my thoughts, I know that and that's just how it is. Haha. But it's my blog space and it's been a while. I'm home, once again. :D 

Thank you Lord for being faithful to me this whole semester. You are faithful even if I am not. Amen! Thank you for getting me, Elwin, my sister, and friends through. Elwin and the others still have until next week with their defenses and whatnots, but I thank you Lord in advance. :) 

Let your will be done.

-pringles08

Possible Move

So I'm trying out to blog elsewhere again. I have been enticed with the new features that comes with Tumblr now. And they keep changing and improving, as opposed to blogger, it feels like it's been like this since I've started. Although I only stayed a few months over at Tumblr, I've had my share of fun. In fact, I moved back here since it was TOO MUCH fun over there. Haha. I love blogger, I do. It feels like a more sincere place, not that Tumblr isn't- but it is more friendly and social over there. But I've been blogging a lot lately, not like before where in I pop in twice a month or once in six months. Blogging almost daily has been something I've been trying to do. I'm almost leaving so I'd want to pack up memories I can reminisce to. Blogging daily at Tumblr is just way easier than here, I guess that is why Tumblr is addicting. I can just easily micro blog or easily upload a photo in a jiff.

I will try it out there and let you know how it goes. I still love you blogger. You are afterall my orginal haven. :)

-pringles08

I Gots Me a NEW RAM.

So I finally got my new RAM. I traded in new set of clothes for this baby, and it is well worth it. :)

While we canvassed, I settled for N*Genius (was that the name?) which sold the RAM I needed for 2300php. The store beside it at Ayala new wing- Thinking Tools, sold it for about 2500php plus 100php for installation fee. Gaisano's Interpace sold it for 2200php, but they were out of stock. I've heard PC Express is the cheapet but trying to check PC Express ot has been stalling me for well over half a month now, and so I decide to get it done with.

We were at a dinner party at Grand Convention and I decided to leave for a bit with my sister. We did it quick and we were out in a jiffy. The restroom visit just stalled us a bit. We reached the car when mom called, party was over and my uncle were taking them home. So my sister and I headed straight home, even if we were slightly tempted to stay behind and stroll around. But we decided to be good daughters.

My sister drove us home, her first without dad in the car. Just when we decided to be good daughters, we decided to disobey mom and had Holly drive. I think she technically said that I drive on the way to Ayala, and we were on the way home when she was driving. Haha. We got home, I saw my dad was smiling proudly as Holly parked her car. :) We told him not to tell mom. Haha.

So my 2 old 512MB RAMs were removed and were replaced by a 2GB Kingston RAM with 3 months warranty. The guy said he couldn't very well just "ADD" in the memory since the 2GB and the 512MB RAMs didn't have the same frequency. Sachie told me she had 2GB RAM "added" in. But that was months ago and the guy said my RAM is out of date and is about to be faced out. Oi. New technology every day! Sometimes I just can't keep up.

/* will be uploading photos soon once I find my E71 phone kit and be able to get hold of the CD to install it on the PC and have my phone plugged in */

New RAM baby, 

-pringles08

PS: I am happy to report it has SIGNIFICANT difference on the performance and I can use Photoshop now without having to wait for eternity for every action!!! Hooray~ Thank you Jesus. :] And thank you mother for this gift.