My Tears Woke Me Up

I dreamt of my cousin Ryan today. I've been wanting to dream of him to say my goodbyes.

My uncle Pitong, mom, dad, and I were in my parents' room. We were talking about Ryan and everything was still so fresh. I asked my uncle questions about his son Ryan. My mom and dad left the room and it was only me and my uncle. I remembered how dad said he was trying to reach Rupert (Ryan's older brother) to tell him the news that his little brother's gone now, and to check on him as well. My dad was taken aback that after a few rings the call went to voice mail and it was Ryan's voice he heard. Rupert probably gave his old number to Ryan. And so desperately wanting to hear Ryan's voice once more, I asked my uncle if I could call his number and if recording was still on there. My uncle dialed the number and gave me his phone. I listened, but the noisy background was covering up his voice, but his voice was there and that was good enough for me. I asked my uncle if he'd keep his recording on there forever, my uncle broke down and cried. I felt sorry for asking all those questions. 

Later was a road trip with cousins. We were in a car, maybe a Tamaraw FX or Pajero? And Rupert, I think, was driving. I was sitting at the back seat with Sachie Candy and other cousins. I was eating and ranting on about Ryan when suddenly, Sachie pointed to the front seat saying Ryan was there. I looked over, and there he was, that pretty face I missed, my lovely cousin Ryan. I was shocked and I was asking how this could be. Didn't he just take his own life? Weren't we just grieving over his death? Didn't I just see his father break down when we talked about his son who passed away?

They were explaining but none of the things they said could get through me. My own thoughts were too loud and were occupying me. All I could grasp were the last few words "basta wala nadayun..." (but he wasn't able to push through... ) I was very thankful and delighted but I stopped myself from feeling all that when I saw the expression on my other cousins' faces. "Dayunun gihapun diay niya?" (He's still going to go through with it?) And my cousin Sachie Candy said yes, and Ryan, with a very straight and certain face also said yes. Ryan, as I know him, is the type of guy who'll do what he wants and once he makes a decision, it's most of the time for certain. Plus, not to mention his pride.


I looked around, still with the bowl of food in my hands, I suddenly cried. I broke down, cried, and begged inside the cramped car. I cried so wildly, desperately, begging him with all of me not to go through with it. My cousins looked at me with their puzzled faces and I cried out, "Magmahay nia ku if dili naku siya hangyuon, kahibaw ku magmahai jud ku. Ryan please ayaw nalang, please. PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!" (I might regret it if I don't beg him not to do it, I know I'll regret it. Ryan please don't do it. PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!). And Ryan's very certain look turned to certain, and I could slowly see certainty fading away from his face. Certainty didn't fully fade away, it did a bit but it was still there. I was half awake by now because my heart and chest were aching and my head was also aching and the tears in my eyes were just about to pour. I fought back waking up to go back to the dream to see Ryan again and beg even more, beg harder. I was returning from dream to reality to dream to reality to dream and finally, reality. My tears poured in heavy, and I was awake now. 

As I was typing this entry, my face was wet with tears until the tears dried off. Now that I'm closing this entry, I'm about to cry again. It felt so real, my begging him to stay was real, and now the aching and longing for my cousin Ryan to come back is prevailing again. My throat hurts because I'm holding in a loud cry. 

Ryan, wherever you are, I hope you read our letters for you. I hope you see how real these tears are and how sincere are love for you is. I love you forever and until after forever. I miss you very much. I love you, I love you. See you soon, okay?

* thank you boyfriend for these edits. We made these tarpaulins. 

Reminded Me of Dad and Taxis

This sooo reminds me of dad and the decisions he makes, like with the taxis we had. He sold our taxis and the franchises before the business completely crashed. Maintaining the old taxis did cause him a lot of time, stress, and money. I was able to write an essay about my dad for Elwin's Techpreneurship class (was it?). Of course, I volunteered for it, but he didn't expect I was serious about it. At least I can return the favors right? It's a give and take thing, two way street, that's just how it should work.

This also reminds me of how I should have transferred school earlier, but better late than never right? :p 

"Abandon the ship before it sinks."

-pringles08

School Hopping Adventure

So it's a lazy Saturday and I told Elwin to rest instead of coming over. I really did want to see him, but a rest is but proper after running errands for his brother, riding jeepneys on a hot Saturday. There were a couple of things I had in mind to make this day productive:

• Try painting again - but it was cumbersome to look for my materials
• Come up with gift ideas - but I have no "budget" to even try and consider what to get
• Study JAVA online - my excuse is a text book is always better
• Go biking - I have no one to go with, my sister's going out with friends

And so you see how I have all the excuses in the world. 

I thought of blogging again, since I did owe my "school hopping adventure" an entry.

After 3 years and a half of being a Carolinian, I bow down and stop trying. I know I didn't give it my best, but maybe it's just not working for me. Miss P's method is just not getting through me, well for one I'm completely againts it- which contributes to my being stubborn I guess. She gives us a serise of lessons followed by a serise of exams on lessons which are from 2 weeks to a month old. And our minds' already focused on the current lesson. My friend mentioned Ms. P. just wanted us to be flexible. I go- flexible my a*s. Even sir L. was appalled by her method of teaching and he said that shouldn't be. Even the faculty is a mess and some teachers against Miss P. I bet a lot are just waiting for her to get scrapped, although I don't see the happening anytime soon. She is so proud of the "standard" she has placed, such a one-sided thing. If you look on the other side, she should question her teaching methods. Because of her students shift, transfer school, get disqualified from proceeding, go through 5 takes on her subjecgt, or worst- stop schooling. Seriously, doesn't she stop and question her ways? 

My failure was sad, it did hurt, but I'm honestly not at all bitter as people would expect. I accept the fact that my failure was my fault as well. And I am sorry to my parents. I am however blessed that they totally understand. Turns out, USC-TC was known for terror teachers and the like, apparently, my dad went through the same thing. Unlike my dad, I transferred and made a move just a little too late. 

So school hunting began. My mom was still up for convinicng me to stay at USC, her alma matter. She wanted me so bad to finish there, but my dad couldn't care less. To him, a school is a school, and it's up to the student what to make of himself or herself. True that dad!

I checked out TESDA, considering going to USC and enrolling at TESDA as well. That didn't work out. After a very upsetting day, holding up tears- Elwin went with me, I took the USP entrance exam on the spot. I remembered eating at AA's with him, he wanted to make me feel better. But I only felt undeserving. 

Dad was rooting for USP since I'd finish their earlier. My mom and I wanted USJR-Basak. I was taken aback by their impressive and not to mention intimidating IT prospectus. Their IT students got certificates at second year and at 3rd year, each IT student would have a specialization, a field they'd focus on. 

After a few debates and arguements I chose to stay out of as much as I could- it was USJR for me. 

Just a few weeks ago I reconnected with an old pal from 5th grade- Eduard Sy, and coincidentaly, he went to USJR. So after 8 years, we met again and he was really nice and he helped me through enrollment and all. It was a tiring process but I finally got in. I had my hair dyed to black to conform with school poloicies and I was determined to make this work. I really loved the campus, the library, and the students all seemed pretty serious. I honestly felt it would be hard to fit in, but I was in it for the studies right? But there was a glitch on the whole thing- there was no designated parking area for students with service. And dad wasn't very happy about that fact and still wanted me to transfer. I've had second thoughts of the school, maybe because I was awfully lonely and the environment was all too different. My friends also wondered why I didn't go to UC considering my boyfriend went there. But UC wasn't an option in the first place, I remembered that Elwin didn't want me to go there for certain reasons, and I know it is only what is good for me that he has in mind.

I've never fallen in such a deep abyss of confusion, and I'm not even exagerating. This decision was something that would have great impact on my future. I decided to stay at USJR, but dad fought back and won my mom over through safety issue. No parking meant I'd park outside school, at Barangay Quiot. It was known as the "killing fields" back in their day. And the way to USJR involved harassed drivers and accident waiting to happen. So it was decided, I was off to UC after 1 week of being a Josenian. 

UC- I enrolled, fixed my sched and got in. They were going to have me sign a waiver, but after seeing my IQ result which reflected superior, they decided it wasn't necessary. At UC my IQ was superior - 133 I think, and at USJR it was above average - 119 I think. Odd. And I took the same exam, and they don't even show the results so I basically answered in the same condition. So anyways, in less than 2 days I was a UC student. My USJR printed scheds and my mind set to adapt the USJR environment were now futile efforts. I took a sudden drift.

• USC: 06300855
• USJR: 200904397-6
• UC: 091250**

From a Josenian with a 3rd year college standing, I am now a UC-ian with a humble 1st year standing. I don't have any hard core programming subject for this sem, only web-based programming. I am anticipating Java. I have to learn it myself since my Java 1 got creditted somehow so I go straight to Java 2. I'm looking to graduate in 2012 maybe? Plus there's the big possibility of me putting off a sem or two to fly off to America. Right now I'm not giving too much thought about it since it only gets me drepressed and discouraged. 

Most of my batchmates will be throwing their hats off this March to mark the end of their college years. Congratulations to you all! It saddens me I am not able to join them, but I'm proud of those who were able to push through the hardships. I'm especially proud of my friend Theodore T. who conqured IT26 and showed how hard work can really pay off. God bless everyone. 

Each failure is another opportunity to rise higher.

-pringles08

Intramural Opening

After my 2 hour or so nap, I lay awake in bed. I was debating with myself whether or not I should go attend our school's Intramural Opening. I realized I have been lazing in my room for a couple of days now and I should get up and about, moving. So I showered, got ready and instead of having Jade pick me up, I got a ride with my dad. He brought me to USC main campus right after we dropped my sister Holly off for school.

Strangely enough, there was a very long line outside the school that reached the corner. People lined up to get in, good thing the line was fast moving. I was in before I knew it, met up with Jade. There was another long line just inside the campus before you can actually enter the gym.

I was a bit nervous at first, should I really go in a very packed gym with an empty stomach? The possibility of me fainting due to an empty stomach or lack of oxygen was being pictured out in my mind. I was reminded of what happened last Sinulog, just this year.

FLASHBACK: I nearly fainted by Fuente circle. It was only me and Elwin. We were trying to make it through Fuente circle since it was the shorter way to my house. The passage way was somehow blocked and we were in between people who were pushing forward and backward. It so hard to breath, I could feel the lack of oxygen and the heat was intense. There was also a person who just fainted up ahead, not far from us, the medics had to get through her. Elwin instructed me to look up and close my eyes and try to just inhale and exhale. He'd taken me to the side where the crowd wasn't as aggressive. Tears started falling down my eyes as I felt dizzy. He bought me a bottled water, I drank it and started to calm down. My hero- Elwin.

Back to the present time (lol.)- So we were in, Jack called me up, it appears he had spotted me and Jade walking to and fro, trying to get a seat. It was my first time being seated at the West Side of the gym. It was my first time as well without Elwin and Mara. I still went and attend though, as this would be my last Intramural if things go according to plan.

I was really pissed off by the guy beside me, Jade even said we should switch places. He knew how I was really irritated by that brat. He kept throwing these messed up comments, constantly cussing, and trash talking. A few things he said (not exactly the way he said them, but the idea is there):

* "The school is soooo stupid. Why are they letting us wait for sooo long, why can't they just get on with it?!!"
- my rebuttal: You are such a dumb boy. As stated in the school program, the opening begins at 8:30am but you just came too early. If you didn't come too early though, you wouldn't have a seat. Stop whining!

* On the girl who offered a song number "Boo! F*uck you, f*ck you! You are such a waste of time! Is this what we came here for?! Boo!"
- my rebuttal: If this was a waste of time to you, you shouldn't have come. I doubt anyone forced you! And if it was a required attendance, just get over it! Respect the person trying to entertain someone worthless like you!

* "P*sti. K*yata. F*ck. Sh*t."
- my comment: Boy you have such a bad mouth and sorry face. Grow up! Don't go cussing all over the place, there are ladies beside you, you moron!

Grrrrrr....

And as if that weren't enough, I had to deal with the people from the college of Nursing who were getting on my nerves as well. They kept booing and hissing on the other colleges except for there. No respect much?! And they kept shouting out to the college of Engineering "Baho mo'gcheer dance CR" (You're restroom stinks!). In my seat I kept going on to Jade about how annoyed I was. First of all, a big percentage of occupants of the Engineering building are (or at least were) from the college of Nursing - the nomads who inhabit on other college's building. Second of all, for someone who is sharing building with them, they have NO RESPECT. Thirdly, for sure you (the college of Nursing people) use the Engineering restrooms as well. Ugh! They also went on about how biased the judges were just because they didn't win first place on the competition (they won 3rd place). Get over it!

And somewhere between the first half of the program, my camera battery was out. I wanted to take a lot of photos for this last one. I had to settle with my Sony Ericsson K800i's 3.2mp camera phone. :p

Anyways, after all that frustrating ordeals, we were out of the gym to grab some grub. I had dimsum steam rice (54php) and siomai quail egg (50+php) with it, and Royal (9php) for drink. After eating with Jade, Ron, Clifford, and hia Jermy, Jade and I went strolling on the Wrockledge (did I spell that right?). There were these B.A. students' exhibit things there. I ended up buying from 3 different stalls, from my friends Rachelle Ang (38php), Janet Discaya (42php), and Genevieve Dale Po (21php). But I didn't eat them, I had them swap and eat since I was full. Maybe I should've taken B.A. huh? But then again. not. I wouldn't have met Elwin. :p Also, after lunch I saw Monique Lim- YEY!

Going around for a bit, I decided to go home since Jade didn't want to watch the basketball game anyways. Jade walked me to the jeepney stop and I rode my 06B jeepney home. Did a little Farmville, Tweeted a bit, and then went to sleep.

I watched GET SMART on HBO after I woke up and had my snacks. After that was the Biggest Loser- amazing how they can loose all those weight. Others think it's a scam and all but I think otherwise.

Tomorrow I'll be off to TC for a Seminar, 8:30am- 11:30 am. Way to kill the Intramural spirit right? Pena will be checking attendance. I'll try to get out of the Thursday's morning seminar.

LAST WORDS: Intramural Opening is not the same without Elwin and Mara, especially without Elwin. :(

But thank you very much Jade for accompanying me to what might be my last Intramural Opening. Good bye Intramural.

a frustrated
-pringles

/* update

Photos from the Intramural Opening

(Photos were mostly zoomed in, sorry for the not-so-good quality)

I went with Jade

Opening

The Different Colleges (Intrams Players)

International Student's Team/ Representatives

Different College Muses

with Ms. Cesafi (uber pretty)

and Ms. Intrams 2008 (bad outfit and gained weight)

USC Dance Troupe

Cherr dance uniforms that disturbingly seemed like underwears at first glance

Another photo of the cheer dance

Goodbye Mr. Kenneth Ang

[late post: Aug 24, 12:40am]

I'm way behind, I know.

August 12

2 weeks ago, Kenly's dad passed away. He passed away Wednesday, August 11 at around 1am. I visited with my parents and sister, August 12, Wednesday. My parents waited in the car while my sister and I went in to see Kenly. It was the first time I met Belle. She was quite shy, specially after I mentioned to her that we chatted before. I also asked Kenly about his mother, he said his mom (who is in Lebanon) hasn't heard the news. It was when I asked that he thought about text messaging his mother's sibling. We passed by McD before heading home since there's a belief my parents practice that after visiting a wake, you are to stop by somewhere to leave bad spirits or something there and not bring it home with you. In short, you are not to go straight home.

My parents were really nice to drive me all the way to Rolling Hills in the middle of night (around 8:30pm), we got home almost 10 o'clock or a bit pass 10pm I think.

August 13

I thought I wouldn't be able to visit, but thanks to my friend Anney, I was able to. I picked Elwin up on my way to Mom's office. Anney met with me there with her friend Ian. I went there to leave mom the car, and I drove Anney's car to rolling hills. I am never fully at ease with her Yaris. For one, it is not my car, and second- it's automatic. I am so used to driving manual, I do not really know how to listen to an automatic car engine. But I will always love driving for and with my friend Anne. We got there (Rolling Hills) and stayed for about 5 minutes, and everyone decided to have dinner at Sunburst, just up ahead.

Goup photo at Sunburst (from Chippy)

After the dinner, we said our goodbyes. Elwin and I went with Anne to Dog Palace place (or what's left of it). She was there to buy some dog treats and we also checked out the pups for sale. This man (his name seems to escape my head all the time), used to buy my dad's puppies wholesale. He marketed the pups up for more than triple the price or so. I've also heard bad deals about him from others and I heard some of those complaints against him are up on iStorya.

August 14

I went to see Kenly again. I was at Jollibee Banilad with some classmates, trying to study for our upcoming IT126 exams. Earlier that day we just had our IT32 exam. Time flew fast enough, I was waiting to pick my mom up but turns out she didn't want to be picked up. She was going out with friends. So I dropped my classmates off at Ayala and I arrived home at around 6pm. Contacted Timmy and I offered to be the one to bring a car this time, since I've been hitching with him. I had a zit of a situation (no really, I did). I was over at Timmy's a bit pass 7pm, or was it 7:30pm? Picked up Timmy, Claire, Charles, and along the way, picked Junel and Princess too.

We arrived at Rolling Hills just in time for the service to starts, with no dinner. Kenly shared to us about how his father was his hero, and how he wanted to be with him. As he gave his speech, tears broke out. Tears that were contained since his father died, even maybe since his father was sick. Surely Princess and I were glad he finally let it out. A lot of us cried with him, I cried a lot as well. How he shared to us his love for his father. Even if he did not shower them with material things, he still shared an intimate and deeper bond with his father. There I saw how Kenly was such an understanding son, and I was proud of him, as I am sure his father was very proud of him. And there, I also concluded that Kenly is at peace with his dad before he left and that he will be alright. He is in great hands with the Lord.

A lot of his high school friends were there to show him support, others even flew in from Manila. His Cebu Gospel and Maranatha Family were there as well.

After the service, staying a while to chat a bit, we went ahead and brought Claire home. We then headed to McD Sykes to have our very late dinner. This was around 10 o'clock. Charles was dubbed Princess as we noticed that doors were opened for him a lot, he didn't have to lift a finger. Charles laughed a whole lot that night, we did as well. At around 12 o'clock Timmy's mom called, he hasn't packed for their trip the following day and his mom wanted him home. They'd be going to Mindanao to celebrate a relatives 100th birthday, awesome right?

We passed by I.T. park to pick my mom up. Dropped Charles off at his place and then Timmy. Went home, thought about death for a bit and called it a night.

August 15

8:30am Kenly's dad would be cremated, family members only. At 9am, he would be buried. Princess and I talked about going for the burial. I was able to wake up with the sound of the alarm (and my sister's help). I was half awake text messaging with Princess. I thought she text messaged me about not going and so I went back to sleep, turns out she didn't text me about not going and that it was just probably a dream. Boo!

Rest in peace Mr. Kenneth Ang. You have planted good seeds in this world, namely Kenly and Belle. Seeds that will surely be great warriors in their own time. As young as Belle is, grade 4, Kenly shared that God has already placed in her a dream. I pray they both continue to grow in God's love.

-pringles

Haircut.

A bad news, Kenly's dad passed away 1am of this day. Princess text messaged me. I felt better after giving Baby Girl (Kenly) a call. He seemed fine, and as Princess said "I hope he's not just hiding it." Kenly is strong, and tight with God, I'm sure he'll just be fine. Tommorrow we'll be visiting his father's wake at Rolling Hills. We'll all be praying for him and his sister, his step mother and granmother too.

Moving on, DB1 (CS130 Exam) was moved to next week! I'm not sure if that's a good thing since we have two exams already for next week- IT126. I'll have to do crunch time in studying. Also, we have to submit the project to Miss next meeting. We still have no idea as to what system we really should go with and as to which company to interview. Lord help.

Moving onto to the lighter side of things, the highlight of my day- Ayala afternoon with Holly and Elwin. Originally I had this outfit on:

Black Tank Top

But I thought we were taking the jeepney, I changed. Another but, dad arrived and wanted us to use the car, so with Holly and Elwin, off to Ayala I drove.

First thing we did was eat at KFC. We were starved. :p Elwin and I orderd 3 wowsteaks and had 2 regular mountain dews (although I think he should've gotten one large instead). Holly had a Barbeque Chicken Burger meal (I think).

Three WOWsteaks for Elwin and I.

Burger meal for Holly.

The Hurr~

:D

After our "snack" time, we went to Salon de Rose to have our haircut. No one photographed my haircut session, boo!

Holly having her bangs done.


BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE
See how long his hair is already.

DURING
Getting his haircut.

We're done with Salon de Rose

We then went to Executive Optical . Holly wanted to have her eyes checked, result: her grades went down. I also went to buy solution for my contant lens.

Check-Up (Holly)

Photograph and concept by Holly

The Three of Us: Mirror Photo

Comfort lounge to "comfort" ourselves.

Reading a magazine @ CL

Home bound. Update on dad's pond: new bamboo filter added today. Yipee~

New Bamboo Filter

Kois in the pond.

I also received two packages today by the way, 1 International package and the other, Local.
I'm too busy to organize them this week. I'll probably find time next week after Wednesday.

International Package (TNT)

Local Package (AP Cargo)

I know my blogs tend to be too long, but remember- it's MY SPACE to blog. :)
Too many photos for you? Too many words? Well, sorry, I'm not sorry. Thanks for dropping by though.

God bless everyone. Baby Girl, you'll be a big part of my prayer for tonight.

goofey all day,
-theMISFITgirl